Stuff about me, and Ben's Baptism

I talked with Renier, the psychiatric consultant dude (pretty sure that's his title) on Friday to get a review of the psychiatric profiling majig I did last week. It was cool, he talked as if he knew me and the way I am because of the information he had drawn from the several questionnaires I did for him. Some of what he said I couldn't agree more with, and other bits made me question him, and question myself. He seemed to think I'm much more of a to-myself, individualistic person than I had thought, and that my social sophistication is low; that I'll go to parties and camps and such, but rather than be the centre of attention I prefer just to get into conversation with a smaller group and spend the night quietly, and I don't have a problem missing out on things. I disagreed about that, as I see myself as quite an out there guy, who loves to take centre stage and make people laugh, and hates to miss out. That said, I do also love the other side of things, being the quiet guy, spending time in my room reading or chilled on the couch at a party having a quiet conversation. I've found it interesting how since our chat I've been taking on what he said, noticing how different traits he believed I possess are quite prevalent, that I hadn't really noticed before.

Based on all the information I gave him, he told me there's pretty much only one career path he can see being suited for my personality with my abilities and interests, that being the path of academia. He told me I must go back to uni and plan to be there for years, do a PhD, become a lecturer, and stay there researching. I was so stoked! That sounds ideal to me, and I love that he just gave me the one option. It's cool: I suddenly see being a student in a completely new light. Being a student would actually be my occupation, as opposed to being a notch in my path towards a career in architecture. I think that was my problem in my undergrad. I never fully focussed on what I was doing, because I was always concerned with where I was headed, and the prospect of being an architect often failed to enthrall me. That's dumb. Doing that with anything is dumb! So now I want to go back to uni, and fully engage myself in it, really love and make the most of learning, excel. I want to fully engage in life! Jesus was good at that. I was talking with my mate Dan about it the other day. He mentioned the time Jesus was eating with some prostitutes and tax collectors, people seen as being bad people. When the self-righteous Pharisees came up to him, accusing him of being in the wrong for what he was doing, he curtly sent them on their way, because he was spending time with the needy people, and he didn't want to waste it. I want to fully engage every situation, to be present in the moment and see how I can glorify God by what I do. I think that might be what it means to be fully human.

So next semester I'm thinking I'll go to Carey Baptist College to study full time, which, conveniently is only 3 days a week so I can still work and hopefully afford flatting! I'll learn some very interesting stuff I'm sure about the Bible and theology and all things Christian and cultural and historical. Then I'll decide whether to pursue a vocation in theological studies or return to studying architecture and try my hand there. I'm excited! I feel God has answered me resoundingly with such a direct path to take! I'm sure it will take twists and turns on the way, so I'll be sure to keep seeking him always in order not to miss them and miss him! Complacency's a killer. But now for the first time in months I feel the gears are starting to turn again. Don't get me wrong, they have been going overdrive internally. These last few months full time at the cafe have been amazing for giving me space to think and sink my teeth into things other than architecture and study, and I don't regret them one iota. But change might well be on the horizon.

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I had the privilege of baptising Ben Harris tonight at Windsor, along with Grant and Dan. Being in the pool and asking him if he accepts Jesus as his Lord and Saviour, hearing his affirmation, then dunking him under and bringing him back up was such a special and proud feeling, to be involved in such a significant step in the life of a young man (or is it old kid?). I hope I'll get to enjoy that many more times! I was determined it would be a moment of deep sincerity for him, not ruined by mocking or anything like that, as I reflected in a smidgen of regret to my baptism when I replied 'Yee-eess' in a rather funny tone. Doing it that way it was more about me and getting laughs than committing to a life spent desperately pursuing God, and enjoying all the richness such a life like that has to offer. I wish I had said it much more determined, a resounding and confident "YES!" YES, THIS MOMENT IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE I'M DECLARING GOD'S PLAN FOR ME TO BE BETTER THAN MY OWN, AND THAT I TRUST HIM WITH MY LIFE, WITH ALL THAT I AM, BECAUSE HIS GRACE HAS SO ALLOWED IT! TAKE NOTE EVERYONE! I don't regret it too much though. I was young and immature, and now I know what it means to have my life given over to God. I think Ben did it good. Along with the sincerity came celebration, and we did it in fine style, the four of us bombing back into the refreshingly cold pool when everyone started heading back into the church - Grant included! No doubting the night's memorability. And then we got to pray for him. Tonight was a great night, and I'm so excited to see where God's going to lead Ben, and all the other Fuel boys I am so fortunate to lead.

Apt

John 7:37-38 (New International Version)

³⁷ On the last and greatest day of the festival, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, “Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink. ³⁸ Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.”

I'm thirsty! Let me drink!

Dirty Mac - Yer Blues by Gaspard_Elliott

Bloody weather...

The main feature article of the NZ Herald website as of 12:28am, Monday 16 May 2011 says this:

Heavy rain, thunderstorms, gales and snow are forecast to make the next few days miserable for just about everybody, the MetService has warned.

Guts! I love how they not only forecast the weather, but the mood too! Meteorological psychologists - now there's an interesting profession!

The prospects of Mr Rice

I did a career/personality profiling quiz thing on Thursday. It was a three hour set of different quizzes with columns upon columns of multi-choice answers about my different interests and preferences. They will apparently confer to a man who knows how to read them what would be a suitable occupation for me. It started with a timed thirty minute IQ test which I'm pretty sure I nailed, so I'm hoping the career quiz man will tell me next Friday that I am a genius, presenting me with a selection of very lucrative job offers from high paying companies that will suit me perfectly! That would be nice. I somehow doubt that though, so will settle for just learning some hopefully interesting and informing information about myself, so I will have some good hints as to which direction I should head. Direction... Oh how I long for a clear lead!

There are a few things I've been thinking would be quite fun to do with my life.

1. I'd love to design and own a swanky (wanky?) book shop and cafe near the Auckland universities for predominantly scholars, but also just reflective folk, to come in, buy a coffee and sit down with a good book and get lost in thought. I'd create different spaces: quiet, cosy, comfortable ones with cushy armchairs and lamps and tea pots for those seeking quiet and solitude, and group spaces with tables and chairs for people to delve into deep debates and discuss meaning and important things like that. I always imagine it'd be like the Queen Street Borders, because I love how you can get lost in there and find a nice nook to sit and read a random book that's caught your eye. That's what I used to do when we went with our family. I could just spend hours there! My shop would be like that, but even more difficult to navigate and less commercial. People could just chill there. I'd probably want to sell records there too. It'd be called 'thinkspace.' (C) I wouldn't actually have to do much of the running of it either, I'd just get to spend my days in there, talking politics and philosophy and theology and architecture and whatever else with the many interesting people who would also enjoy my shop. Haha, dream on...

2. I think it'd be fun to be a politician. At Life Group the other night, Murray put out the question, who do we know of in politics who is a sold out evangelical Christian? Maybe they're in there, but I don't know. Most of the politicians I see on TV seem to be fairly rubbish, way too... well... political! I'd want to get in there and shake things up! New Zealand needs more real people in politics, who make things happen. Too many of the politicians I see aren't so much concerned with achieving the goals we voted them in to achieve, but with merely getting themselves back in next time. They enjoy the power just for the sake of being in power, not what they can achieve with it! So all this week I've been tuning myself into the news, learning about the things that matter to New Zealand, and finding out what our politicians are doing. Even if I don't end up down that path, I think it's good to know a bit about it so that I can make an educated vote, and so I can let them know what I think they should be doing. It's good to care about this country and the direction our leaders are taking us in. In the quiz I totally answered the questions so that the guy will tell me I'm going to be a brilliant politician. Cheeky.

3. I could be a pastor. Working in the cafe I get to see quite a bit of our pastors, as they meet up with many different people to discuss things over coffee. When they're not meeting people, they're in their offices, reading books and researching for their sermons, writing them, planning events, writing reports and articles... I don't really know but it seems they get a great mix of people stuff and quiet task work. And their role is in leadership: I love that! Pastorship is definitely a path I could imagine going down. However, I don't think at this young age it's where I would head straight away. Personally, I'd want to live in the world first, so that I could lead from experience. It's easy inside the church to be sheltered from the realities of life, so I'd want to live in the reality the majority of people experience first, before I could encourage them as their church leader.

Take a vote everyone! What should I doooo?

Sorry this has just been about me. Not the deep stuff you all seem to love, but I'll leave you with this. It'll make up for it. My flatmate Ben showed it to me a while ago. Sorry it's a little rude, but so well done, and soooo hilarious!

On Loneliness and Intimacy

This is TV On The Radio. I'm addicted to this song and their other new one, Caffeinated Consciousness. Pretty darn keen to get the CD just out.

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Life has been ridiculously busy of late, and I'm only just getting comfortable with the pace again. For the last two weeks since Easter Camp I was pretty destroyed though! Easter Camp is an epic 5 day long camp run by Baptist Youth Ministries for high school kids, and I've been going along since age 13, save last year when I was in Spain and a couple of years prior, when I went to the intermediate age one as a leader. I was a leader at this year's one, and amazing and awesome (in the true sense of the word) as it was, it was exhausting! I got back and was straight back to work with an 8am start... Combine work with being out of the house literally every evening and it led to a fairly moody, pensive Elliot. It's led to some pretty heavy thinking though! Sorry, I don't mean to rate my thinking at all, I've just found it quite heavy and intense, and a bit of personal breakthrough.

Leading into this patch I was really questioning my relationships, after some prompting by discussions with some friends. I came to a place where I felt I'm not truly known by anybody, where they know my every struggle and triumph, or know perceptively when to ask how I really am. Don't get me wrong, I am surrounded by many amazing people, and I don't doubt the sincerity of their love and care for me, but the reality is they aren't perfect (nor am I of course), and so they fail to fully satisfy me. I'd always known this, but this time I really felt it, and it felt lonely. I had a pretty glum day at work as all this was weighing on my mind, along with the tiredness. Work at the cafe is actually really great for giving me space to think about things, as the work is often menial.

I got home and read this very interesting article by Shalene Gupta titled On Loneliness. She wrote stuff like this:

There is friendship, and there is family, and then there is silence swollen with the murky fog of almost but not-quite forgotten sins, the jagged shards of broken promises that have not quite dulled with time, and the slimy residue of wounded feelings. There are so very many things that are never talked about. Instead you shut your eyes, you tell yourselves this is friendship and this is love, and you never say, where were you when I needed you, and you never wonder why you are attacked by sudden, terrible bouts of loneliness....

Sometimes, the loneliness is so terrifying all you can do is rush from one party to another, anxious to meet more and more people, so that when the sky falls down, at least someone will know it fell down on you. Paradoxically, when you rush from party to party, you become lonelier than ever. You can not meet people at parties. Too much noise for conversation.

It spoke to me pretty strongly. I could definitely relate to the pain she was expressing, of no one knowing you intimately enough. She then went on to talk about wanting to be the person everyone can talk to; the person who really asks you how you are. I liked that, but I understood as she said that was just too hard. Everybody is struggling with things, and to take on everyones' problems and to try and provide their satisfaction yourself is just too hard. You burn out trying to be that person.

For a while I stood by the side of the road and wore a sign on my chest that read: “Will Always Be There.”

When she realised this was just too hard, she turned to herself, and learned to find contentment on her lonesome. I think this is valuable to an extent, in line with this quote by Blaise Pascal:

I have often said that the sole cause of man’s unhappiness is that he does not know how to stay quietly in his room.

Having space for yourself just to stop and think and ponder things is so important. However, if it means you just become insular, perhaps narcissistic, I think you've gone too far the other way, from depending on relationships too much, to becoming cold and isolated; unloving. Ignorance is bliss, but it's still ignorance.

Not wanting to get too far down that path, I turned to the one relationship I'm told and led to believe offers true satisfaction and joy - that which I claim to have with God through Christ Jesus. More intensely than ever before I felt desperate for this relationship; in need of it. It was my only hope in the despair of loneliness, my only hope for the deep-felt intimacy I desired. I know God knows me completely, every struggle and triumph... but I needed to know it, to feel it in my being, to be comforted by it. Is that comforting intimacy offered? What does it mean to have this relationship with God? Is it a long-distance one, where perhaps every now and then I am overwhelmed by Him through a Holy Spirit 'experience', but otherwise it's a matter of praying and then waiting for a answer? Or it is here, now, satisfaction available? Can we experience intimacy with God in this life, in the midst of corruption and destruction, brokenness and corrosion, or do we only get glimpses, tastes of what's to come when God will dwell among us? Will I be among those to spend eternity with Him, who he says he knew and accepted? And does he really know me, or does he just know about me? I don't know; these are questions still big on my mind right now. All I do know is my hope has been greatly increased, because that's all I have. I want to know my God and be known by Him so badly, because I feel nothing else can hope to offer me the satisfaction I so badly desire! I want to chat with Him, and snuggle into his big arms and find rest in Him, and just feel exposed and known, but loved and secure. So I'm actually pretty excited about this all. It feels like reality, like I'm growing up and seeing life for what it is: hard and wearisome, but hopeful and ultimately satisfying. I'd just like to know when that satisfaction's coming, and see how deep this relationship with God can go.

Are you lonely? Do you have a hope?