I haven't posted in a while. I don't think I've had much to post about really. I got to that place where I realised I was desperately lonely and everything felt meaningless, and finally I understood, felt just how badly I needed God. But that's how things kind of remained, and to an extent, still remain. I got really excited about my newfound hope, which I was anxious to see fulfilled. But for some reason I didn't really act upon it. I knew I needed to seek God above all else, because that was all that mattered, but the action didn't seem to come. Perhaps I have been unsure about that need for action, when I hear so often that it's not about us reaching God, but God reaching us. People tell me I need to just stop and let God do the moving. But isn't stopping an action? So for a while I didn't even take that step just to stop and wait on God. I've been doing it more lately, spending more time in the Word seeking there, as well as just reflecting, be it writing in my journal or going for walks. Let's be honest, I've only been for one. So it's still not enough. But what is 'enough'? It would be nice to have a set of instructions that would lead me to God and the intimacy of a relationship where he knows all about me. I somehow don't think that's how it works though... It seems I've just got to get totally confused and lost to the point of giving up, and in the murk of that situation I've just got to reach out for God's hand, trust it's God's hand and grip it with all my strength. So that's where I'm at. Still thirsty, still unquenched. However, I still trust and still have complete faith and hope that God will relieve all this. I trust and claim to know the Holy Spirit is with me, and I'm learning to recognise that. I trust I will come to know God by his Holy Spirit, and that I will know his presence beyond mere trust to something tangible and undeniable. It will be a relationship where I actually recognise I am being lead and called to things, and where my response must be to obey, or reject. For now though it seems I'm just stuck trusting and believing, and I find that to be tough.
With all that on my mind, the rest of life seems to get a tad hazy, especially given I've been sick with flu these last couple of weeks, so quite drowsy, plus my usual busyness of work, church, youth group, life groups, parties and hockey... I'm starting to get a bit of direction though as I pursue my recently discovered desire to study at Bible college. Checking out papers and enrolling is getting me pretty excited. I can't wait to study again, to research and borrow library books and have good discussions about ideas. Academics seems an extremely pleasurable thing to pursue!
I don't think I will post this to Facebook as I usually do. Not feeling the self-promotion anymore. I'm sure it will be disappointing seeing very few views in the statistics, but I don't want to waste peoples' time reading thoughts that they likely don't get much from. I enjoy posting these for my sake, and if someone gets some value out of them, well I'm glad!
Jordan Bond leaves for Canada tomorrow. I'm excited for him on his great adventure, but a bit sad for myself at the same time. It's sad how people come and go in life. We are such a bunch of individuals. Writing that, I wonder if it's a good thing or not. I think sometimes I may do life a bit too solo, disengaged, independent. Is co-dependency a good thing? Is it important?
